Growing up, I always felt I was different. Deep down I knew that I didn’t see the world the way my family or the other people around me did. But I when bits of myself naturally came out I was told to “Cut it out” or asked “What’s wrong with you?” I was not accepted for acting different and I succumbed to the projected ideals of others.
I took solace in the fact that I could find success in the eyes of others. I lived aligned with how other people thought I should. My identity became one of trying to please my parents, to satisfy other people. I sought my value externally.
I evaded any kind of vulnerability. I pursued what would make me look good or appear smart or be respected. Outwardly, I appeared to have everything. My family had enough money to provide a comfortable living. I excelled in school, sports, clubs and music without really trying or committing to practicing and honing any of them. Many peers envied me and adults thought I was a perfect kid.
But because I couldn’t find my truth or meaning, because I couldn’t see my path or align with my soul—I was never happy with myself and could never be there for anyone else either. My relationships were superficial and I lied constantly to myself and others to avoid conflict and get what society told me I wanted.
Beginnings of Depression
Starting from the age of 10, I became more and more depressed. Even before this I had terrible generic allergies, extremely frequent headaches and digestive issues.
I forced my mom to seek out natural remedies for my depression. I thought something external would save me. My first pill made me feel great, exactly as I thought it would, until the vast quantities I wanted—to drown out my broken mind— were denied me and it spun me even deeper into my darkness.
I thought about how I could pull it off. Later I merely pined for death but felt that I could suffer endlessly rather than hurt my family in that way. I deserved all the pain—not them. It would be far too selfish to end my life, I must sacrifice.
I earned a full scholarship to college and graduated early despite skipping probably half of my classes. I drank heavily, often times alone.
I sought medicine and science for answers. I saw countless therapists and made no progress. I learned about quantum physics and cosmology to understand what I was, but couldn’t find any of the answers I was looking for. Exasperated, I tried antidepressants as a ‘last’ resort and they only made things worse.
I would sleep all day and play video games or watch TV all night. Many times I would get home and plop face down in bed because I was too apathetic to do anything. I would only get up when hunger rang too strongly. Sometimes I wouldn’t eat. Sometimes I would eat two pizzas and a tub of ice cream. I smoked excessively.
For years, I had no hope. I could find no meaning in life. I was willing to try anything.
Beginning of Progress
Slowly I began to make progress. I started to consciously move my body, I started to take my nutrition more seriously and I started to take my own responsibility for my emotional state and wellbeing.
I wasn’t broken and I didn’t need to figure out exactly how to live my life—I just had to start loving myself. I did this in these small ways first before I even knew what I was doing.
I was still depressed, disengaged from my relationships and my life, and I still smoked heavily and had insomnia, but I was able to get up and start functioning and putting myself in a position to discover answers.
Eventually, it started to steer me towards what I needed.
Finally, I was introduced to color light therapy, specifically a system called colorpuncture. Some of these techniques have been around for more than a century and I had never heard of them. I always held strictly to science I could access in the mainstream and shunned esoteric knowledge. But the incredible power of color to open up information embedded in my cellular consciousness and in deeper layers of my being birthed an entire new path into the fields of energy medicine. I realized, before I could make any progress in anything, I had to love myself. I was worthy of being happy; of being excited to wake up and play an active role in my life; excited for what I could create in the future.
Color opened up my awareness and connected me with my higher self. Everything I had ever been through, no matter how painful, was necessary to get me to this point.
I finally had a foundation and method for understanding, integrating and healing my development of self-sacrifice programs, seeking validation and answers in others, my escapism, programs telling me I’m not enough and other mindsets that set me back.
I scarcely deal with any type of allergies anymore. My digestion is fantastic for the first time I can remember. My relationships have evolved and are so much more fulfilling. I am sleeping well for the first time as well. I finally know what it feels like to embrace life and when I am diligent about my practices, I often feel a calm, stable euphoria and can tackle even the most disturbing challenges that arise with ease.
At our core we are energy. We are not the reductionist molecules that modern medicine and science assumes. Our maladies are not caused by disruptions in the workings of these molecules, but are caused by deeper energetic mechanics that we can only address through the spirit.
There are forces in this world that exist to keep us detached from our spirits—incapable of connecting with our spirituality and higher aspects of our consciousness. But this is where the answers to hope and meaning lie.
We can heal broken bones and restart unbeating hearts and do many other miraculous things. But we have more chronic disease and mental illness, more suffering humans than ever before. There is a way out of this suffering and it starts with us taking responsibility for it.
We cannot place blame on external factors for our own physical, mental and spiritual wellbeing. Our pain is not a curse. It is a blessing. It is our soul’s message to us.
Thank yourself for your pain and have faith in yourself. If you learn to listen, you will understand everything you have to do.
It starts with the simple reminder that you are awesome. Everything flows from there.
Where do you fit in?
If my story resonates with you, and you are still struggling with your life, let’s connect. Join the Remember Your Light community, and learn more about 1-on-1 coaching if you sense it is time to finally commit to healing yourself and creating the future you deserve. Check out my color therapy kit, which comes with a basic guide to get your started. I’ll also be building courses soon!